I have been thinking about turning all of my blog posts into a book. Maybe, the girls' may want to look back on 2011, maybe they won't.

I don't want to forget the day-to-day. All of the interesting things that have happened this year- in our life. The Joy. The regrets. All of it. The daily tidbits- that in turn, make up our life.

So this was our 2011:

                        ( 2011: The year that Ashlynn graduated Kindergarten)

                          (2011: the year that miracles truly did happen)

                          (2011: the year that Mia Love turned ONE)

   (2011: the year I found and NYC and discovered that I truly love that place)

                                (2011: the year my diva Avery turned 4)

And, I couldn't leave this out: 2011 was the year that I decided to chase my dreams with nursing school. The year Daniel cheered me on.

I know that most people declare their New Year's resolutions on this day, or maybe before. I'm not going the masses this year. I  have decided to take a more kinder, gentler approach to the year 2012.  I'm only partaking in the deadlines that come from school work. No timelines for me. Lessening of the pressure of life itself. But, promises of the life attempted.

Promises to be me. Promises to just BE. Promises to be a good Mama to those three beautiful girls. Promises to not worry so much about the future, but to focus on the very moments before my eyes.

Promises to be good to my family.

Promises to be a better for friend. Promises to be the friends that are friends to me. Because, this year... I have been a terrible friend- receiving and not giving, like those girls, that I call friends.

And, finally... I have decide that I am going to trust in God's plan- no matter where that takes me.

So, in 2012, I plan to look forwards, and not backwards... knowing that it is completely out of my control. However, I plan to accept it as it comes.

These are the things that I promise to myself.

And I am incredibly thankful for 2011. Knowing that much of it was out of my control, and while it seemed so horrible at times- many times. I am thankful that I had it... to ground me... and to humble me.

So instead of the typical New Year's resolutions... I look forward to much progress.

I know that you are much interested in Daniel's progress. Here's an update. Daniel's laboratory values are continuing to improve. Which is better news around this house. His platelets on Wednesday were a whopping 76! The low end of the "normal" spectrum is 130. He is getting there. With a lowered dose of immunosuppressants comes other problems. He is now battling a BK Virus. It is a horrible virus involving the urinary system. You can google it if you choose. Anyway, things will be much better for him when this virus makes it's way through his system. We have been told that it could take a month or so. By now, we should be used to this. However, we aren't. He has not had to take any doses of insulin for a few weeks now. So, it is my assumption, that the diabetes is no longer present. He saw an eye specialist (the 2nd) one. This eye specialist treats many bone marrow transplant folks- and he is wonderful. Daniel is taking a new regimen of eye drops, and supplements to help with the GVHD in his eyes. It is the doctor's hopes that the chronic dry eyes will eventually resolve themselves with the proper treatment. He did mention to us that Daniel's case is not the absolute worst that he has seen. So for now... that is where we stand.

I wish each and everyone of you a splendid 2012! XO Kristin

From Our House to Yours...

(Photograph by Sheena at Esprit Jolie Photography)

I am a little late on the Christmas train this year. I literally, just picked up my Christmas pictures on Tuesday. Addressed them, and off in the mail they went on Wednesday. Amongst that craziness, who was the silly girl that decided to cram 2 classes into Winter Break? ME! I am still contemplating dropping one of them and taking it in the Spring. I think that I am way over my head this time!

With everything that this year has brought...

I am trying...

And I am trying very hard to make sure my children view Christmas as it should be – a joyful celebration of Christ and the feeling of love of family and friends all around.

... To keep with traditions.

... To make it magical.

And I hope that you do to!

...To move forward and not let the tears fall. Because, lately, they fall at the drop of the hat. I am not sure why, but they do. Probably, because there isn't a day that goes by, that I am not reminded of Cancer.

...To be a role model to my children

...To be positive, because my children and husband deserve nothing less.

And neither do I.

(Photograph by Sheena at Esprit Jolie Photography)

So, from our family to yours, I wish you a very Merry Christmas. XOXO Kristin

Why Hello Winter Break

Browsing through my pictures,

Uploading them from my camera,

1,476 of them to be exact.

All from April until now,

4x6 reminders of everything that I am grateful for.

Easter, the circus, New York, summer, birthdays, cancer…

It’s in the pictures, the memories, that I am reminded of the many blessings that occur.

Understanding… that I count those blessings daily.

While on a very short break from all of the craziness of my school schedule, this is what I envision:

A house full of family. Friends… laughing at each other. Enjoying each and every moment of it

Chilling.

Printing 1, 476 pictures and then some…

An elf that gets moved nightly. I do not know how much longer my children will believe that the elf- “Peter”, hangs out in the tree, because that is where he gets his best view, and that he really likes it there.

My favorite new place in my house- the family room upstairs. That clearly, doesn’t get used enough, but will now.

Bags dropped at the door, shoes everywhere, a dumped diaper bag emptied in the floor… because there will be less worry about a “clean house”. More gathering, enjoying.

A kitchen table that will be gathered around. Prayed around.

My hope for this holiday season: to bond. To share. To love.

And, yes, I am truly blessed!

Here is a slight update on Daniel. We made the bi-weekly appointment to St. Louis, first with the lab, and then with the Nurse Practitioner. Things seem to be going great. Daniel’s platelet and hematocrit levels were still not rising in the direction that they should be, so Dr. DiPersio decided that lowering his immunosuppressant would possibly solve some these issues. Lab values indicated that the change in the mg was in fact, helping. However, with the lower immunosuppressant, he is at an increased risk of developing GVHD. With that being said, he has an increased dryness issue in his left eye. This is an issue that he has been dealing with since transplant and most likely is the GVHD. We are visiting with another eye specialist next Monday. If the physician cannot get this under better control, the immunosuppressant will have to be increased as well as the steroids. The steroids are a big contribution to the increased muscle deterioration that Daniel has had. He is very weak, but getting stronger each day. It seems that we will be taking quite a few steps backwards, should this occur. If all seems to check out good on Monday, Daniel will graduate to tri-weekly appointments.

Enjoy your week folks! XOXO Kristin

The Big Picture

“Perhaps strength doesn’t reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places”, Author Unknown.

I found this quote on Pinterest a few weeks ago while waiting for some of Daniel’s labs in the cancer center. I stored it into my phone and forgot about it, until tonight. I remember why I stored it that day- it speaks the truth about my life.

I can relate.

Some people make it through a huge chunk of their life without being faced with disappointments, heartache, and discouraging factors. I am so happy for those people.

Some people spend most of their lives not worrying about the future as much as I do and always have.

Some people have genuine sunny dispositions.

I can tell you that I am not one of the above people that I have mentioned.

As a matter of fact, I have faced a whole lot of disappointment and heartache in my life. As with many children, I grew up in a broken home, with a father who had a horrible addiction (drugs, alcohol, gambeling) problem, a mother who worked out of town so that she could put food on our table and provide me with all of the necessary things that a young girl needed to have- including college, my father passing away when I was at the young age of 28, and most recently, my husband being diagnosed with cancer.

For the record, I would never change anything from the past. Most people would say that they would never want to have my life. I embrace it.

The great thing about having theses challenges, disappointments and this heartache… is that you learn to appreciate life, the big and small things involved in it.  You open your eyes, and you REALIZE. Sometimes you may need to take a few steps back and look at the big picture. Sometimes, you may need to take a look at yourself and evaluate it.

I quickly learned that choices that you make have impact on others. Not just your children, or your family, but other people. This became my motivation.

My name is Kristin,

I have faced many disappointments and heartache.

I worry about the future.

And, I try to have a sunny disposition.

No matter what today brings- I can tell you at the end of each and every day- I gave it my 100%. I genuinely try to make each and every single day- Sunny.

May your Holidays be bright and merry! XOXO Kristin

Sunday Quickie

1. Here it is Sunday and I have not cleaned my house from Thanksgiving, I have not caught up on laundry, and I have not taken a shower. I am telling you... lately, I am so laid back. What is my deal?

2. Since my last Blog… I have enjoyed family. Laughed. Caught up with friends. Baked. Cooked one heck of Thanksgiving meal. More than anything… the Thankfulness was overflowing this year.

2. Thought that we were for sure making an unexpected doctor’s appointment in St. Louis on Friday for some minor complications. The office was closed and it turns out that the minor problem… passed, ceased… call it what you want. The next step would have been calling the attending BMT Fellow. Which, most likely would have been “get yourself up here and you will be admitted on the …. whatever floor”.

3. The minor problem caused me to skip out on black Friday shopping. Good thing that I am crazy addicted to using the Internet. I did a huge majority of my shopping right in the comfort of my own home. No hustle and bustle for me! My only regret- I missed out on that girl time that I was so looking forward to.

4. Rainy days make you fat. Seriously. I know how much better that I feel when I attend to myself. Years ago, I found out how much running filled my soul. It was my escape and I felt great! Last year, after giving birth to Mia I jumped on the Zumba craze. Once again, felt terrific and had a whole lot of energy. Then, Daniel got sick. While he was in the hospital I would walk the entire West End daily for a chance to clear my mind. Then school started and I became literally engulfed in studying and caring for 3 kids. Today, I knocked off the dust on my treadmill and decided from here out- we will become good friends.

5. Our house is going to be undergoing a bit of remodeling in the next few weeks. Form the very day that we moved into our house… I have despised the laundry room Quick fix coming soon.  There are a few things that I would like to change in addition to the laundry room. I am still working on that!

6. Daniel is officially back to his sarcastic and judgmental self. Did I mention bossy? But, I like it. It is nice to see him this way, for a change.

7. Daniel shouldn’t have been number 6, but it happened that way.

8. So incredibly thankful for my life. Imperfect… yes. Crazy… yes. Hard… yes. Complicated… Sometimes. Lovely… Most of the time. Beautiful… Yes

Have a good week! XOXO Kristin

Let the Madness Begin

This little blog started seven months ago.

With no anticipation that it would last this long.

But you followed in the beginning to find out what exactly was going on with Daniel. Now, I relate more of my writing to family stuff. Never forgetting to add in a little bit of information about Daniel. And you still follow.

I am always amazed at the number of times that this blog has been looked at. I am amazed at the number of people who say “I follow your story on Facebook, or your blog”. I am amazed at the number of people who follow me around the world- yes, around the world. I have friends in more countries than I ever dreamed of.

I may not know them personally… but they know me, they know us, and that is astounding.

It amazes me that some people tell me that I have reached them. Encouraged them. People that tell me that the world really isn’t that big. And at some points in our life we will experience joy and we will experience horrible things. But that you aren’t alone- ever. EVER.

I have put it all out there. My stumbling’s, the many imperfections that I have.

I know that I do a lot of things right, and for that, I am very proud.

Honestly, I have always been a private person. One that really never opened up.  This blog has offered an opportunity for me to talk about my feelings. It is the voice behind me. There are many times where my mouth would open and nothing would come out- simply because I just couldn’t make it happen.

Thank you for being there. For listening. Even when my words are boring.. Thank you for checking in.

Thank you for cheering on. Because at times… it would have been very easy to give up. I’m not a quitter, but there were instances where running from my problems really would have been the easiest thing to do.

Thank you for pushing me… telling me that YES- I could do it.  I am forever grateful of the friends and followers that I have. I am truly blessed and I know it.

After all, this IS about life attempted.

Life has a way, doesn’t it?

I know that I have not blogged in some time. Bare with me friends. I am winding down a very active semester. Cheers to that. Let the holiday madness begin. This is the time of the year where my OCD personality kicks in.  We kick the madness off with Christmas pictures tomorrow afternoon. Every year, I strive to create the perfect Christmas card. This year will be no different than any other.

No real new with Daniel. His bone marrow biopsy came back disease-free. He was able to return to his regimen of the drug that controls the Philadelphia chromosome. His platelets are still low. It is anticipated that there will be an increase in that number in the weeks following. He is controlling the diabetes issue with insulin. Since his immunosupressants are continually being lowered, he is requiring less insulin daily. It is funny. He graduated to bi-weekly appointments in St. Louis. Things seem to be working for him.

Looking forward to a few days off next week.  May you all have a blessed week and weekend. XOXO Kristin

To Be Thankful

While sharing lunch with some fellow classmates today, there was discussion about my sweet little blog. I am amazed daily at the number of folks who say, “ I wait weekly to see a new blog post”, or “I love reading your blog”. It makes my heart melt just thinking about it. I thoroughly enjoy writing (about stuff that I want to), and really, I only started this blog to keep folks in tune with Daniel. Several folks have mentioned to me that I should print my blogs off. Maybe some day I will do that. The truth is, once I hit the “post” button, I never read the entries again. I will someday, I promise. 

 So, the one thing that I have vowed to myself… Is that I would be completely truthful.

This is my reality. This is our reality. And, as hard as it seems at times… it is the truth. 

With that being said. I have had some extra time to visit Facebook tonight. And, I can’t help but notice how many of my fellow friends are posting about things that they are “Thankful” for. I wish that I could devote a few minutes to every single day to post something that I am thankful for- but, right now, it simply isn’t possible. So, here are a few of the things that I am thankful for, in no particular order:

- The year 2011: it has truly grounded me. Humbled me

- My husband: the one and only person who has always believed in me

- My beautiful girls: for giving me a reason to get out of bed daily

- Family

- Being a Momma: I am learning to not look into the future, but to enjoy the moments before me

- My friends: who truly “get” me. Who knew that a few years down the road, these “friends” would help me cope, when I couldn’t cope on my own. These friends have stuck by my side, when my world had been completely rocked.

- New friends: I have some “newly-found” friends who have offered a whole new meaning to life. These friendships… have been gained in the last few months. And for the record, they will be forever be my friends! 

And finally,

- Being able to trust in God’s plan

If I have learned one thing this year, it is this: Find something that defines you. What defines me? Cancer. While I would never say that I absolutely love cancer- because I don’t. As a matter of fact… I really dislike it. Cancer defines me. I have truly grasped an actual realization into my life because of it. It has given me the determination to do so many things. Determination that I have never once had. I hope that one-day, something else defines me. I encourage you to find something that defines you.

On to other things. Yesterday, Daniel had an exhausting day of appointments. Nothing new. The Nurse Practitioner did state mention to him that she thought there was no reason that his bone marrow biopsy would come back “clean”, which essentially means cancer free. On another note, his blood glucose was extremely high- to the point of; I do not know how he was functioning high. He was diagnosed with Steroid Induced Diabetes. As of right now, he is insulin dependent. However, we are trying to help control this with dietary modifications. It is very likely that when he discontinues the steroids, the blood glucose levels will level out. As we learn more in the next week, I will let you faithful readers know of the results and plans of action. 

Until then, enjoy the rest of the week and weekend. Take advantage of Daylight Savings Time on Saturday. I plan on it! XOXO Kristin