Ever
since Ashlynn (my first born) was a very small child, I have strived to always
tell her that she, like everyone else born into this world are born as a very
unique individual. I have tried to maintain that theory while raising all three
of my girls. Never missing a chance to remind them of their unique qualities
that they bring to our family, their school, and everywhere else. And, not
every person is alike. Each person has a very special “light” of some kind. All
of your talents, all of your gifts, all of the joy and enthusiasm that you give
to the world, your smile, your courageous laughter, your intriguing ideas, are
all so very important. And, those things combined, make you, you. I think life
and parenting is all about teachable moments. With our kids, spouses, friends,
family. Discovering how can not only use our “light”, but also be a light to
one another...everyday is important. And the best thing about your light, is
that you have the freedom to turn it up a notch anytime and anywhere! One should
never let their light burn out.
Throughout
my life, I have tried to uphold a positive perspective. My perspective is
honestly, a quality or a “light” that I have been given that has gotten me
through many challenges in life. I know that most people my age have not
experienced near the amount of challenges that I have in my life at my age.
Perspective is everything. It is not a new thought or anything we have not
heard before...but it changes everything. How we choose to view what is ahead.
The road we are on. The valley we are in or the mountain we are on top of. Regardless,
the only thing we can ever control when life goes array and it will go array.
Life is how we choose to see it. To embrace it. To dive into it. Will we see
hope, light, and joy...or...dark, deep, and scary. Sometimes they are jumbled
together into one. I love that freedom because that is real. That is the human
heart. The constant dilemma between our head and our heart and how the two join
together. I have seen this many times in my life. But, the biggest event that
posed the biggest challenge thus far in my life was when my husband Daniel was
diagnosed with cancer. Let me tell you, cancer changes lives!
In
April 2011, my husband was diagnosed with a very rare form of leukemia. Such a rare
leukemia, that he was only given a 1% chance of survival without a bone marrow
transplant. After many months of treatment, he received his bone marrow
transplant on August 4, 2011. The transplanted cells were harvested from a
gentleman that early on, we knew was very special. Today, we have so much
admiration for him and believe that he is truly a remarkable person.
When
Daniel was diagnosed, my heart shut down and my light immediately went out. I
think that it was months my before my heart started beating again and even
longer for my light to come back on. So what made my light come back on?
While
Daniel was in the hospital we received many gifts- one of which is a book that
you may be familiar with. The book- Don’t Waste Your Life, by John Piper. I
read the book in its entirety and out of curiosity, researched John Piper one
night while in the hospital. What I found was that John Piper is a preacher,
and a reputable author who once was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Among some of
the work that he has written, has included 10 points that Christian’s diagnosed
with cancer should follow. I won’t get
deep into those ten points, but if you want to look them up, they are easily
searchable on the internet. He believes and encourages you to believe that
cancer is not wasted when its healed by God. It is important to note that he
believes that cancer is healed by both medicine and God. My favorite citation
from his resource library is the following:
“So not to pray for healing may waste your
cancer. But healing is not God’s plan for everyone. And there are many other
ways to waste your cancer. I am praying for myself and for you that we will not
waste this pain. He gets the glory and that is why cancer exists. So not to
pray for healing may waste your cancer. But healing is not God’s plan for
everyone. And there are many other ways to waste your cancer. I am praying for
myself and for you that we will not waste this pain”.
The
tenth point is most definitely my favorite point- and it has always stuck with
me: you will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means of
witness to the truth and glory of Christ.
The
night that I read the words within this exerpt, a revelation took over me. I
firmly believe that cancer was given to Daniel and I and it is up to us to
decide whether we waste it or not. So, today I plan to share with you one part
of how I have decided to not waste our cancer by using the “light” that God has
given me.
I
had to ask myself what I wanted in life. I could choose to be sad, helpless, or
anything else similar. Being a positive person a majority of the time, I chose
to move on, make the best of what I could, and make a difference somehow with the
gifts that I had been given. However, the key thing to the success of my plans
was not clear- and that, was my path. How I was going to get there. I didn’t
know where to go and I most certainly, felt lost. One night in the hospital, I
began to think about what I wanted and what I actually had and how I could
combine the two to make something out of them.
What
I began to realize is that I have a whole lot of excellent qualities. Yes, my
family has certainly faced challenges in life. One of the greatest qualities
that I have is that I have a lot of compassion. Now, don’t judge me when I tell
you this. But as a young child, I loved Richard Simmons. Not only because of
his extreme quirkiness, but more for what he did to help people become
healthier individuals. My entire work life has been dedicated to helping people
of all ages. As I was thinking about my love for the word compassion, I
realized that was what I could offer to the world. To me, the yearning to
be compassionate resonates God saying, “HELP! One of my children needs you. Do
something!” When I feel compassion, I have to have to ACT upon it. As a
nurse, I have learned that Compassion is NOT your heart’s pain in my heart.
To me- that’s called pity. Compassion is YOUR HEART’S PAIN INTO MY HEART and
it radiates throughout my entire body. Real compassion demands action.
Do
you want to know something very special about the word compassion? The first
part of the word is compass. We all wonder throughout life without any concise
directions. I am a planner. I constantly wonder what should I do next? Where I
should turn? What steps I should take? How can I find what I need? My friends,
those are normal thoughts.
I
use the voice, or the feeling of compassion as my internal compass. With my
internal compass- I have found that I can get what I need when I run towards
the very things and people and places that need me. With compassion, all
that is required of me is to reach out my arms, open my hands and help someone
out.
Compassion
for others has allowed me to not waste our cancer and most certainty has got us
to a place of acceptance of the uncertainty.
I
believe that cancer has brought any great opportunities in our life. We have
developed many new friendships that would have never of been formed, had cancer
not presented itself in our life. The most incredible friend that we have is
Dominic, Daniel’s donor. Dominic is a 45 year- old man from Germany. He is
married and collectively, he and his wife have 3 children. He is an incredible
man! While we communicate through facebook, it is our desire to one day meet
him, as he is very special to our family. And, so I introduce Dominic to you:
Personally,
cancer has made me a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, and much
more compassionate which has ultimately led me into the career of nursing. Our
journey through cancer has lended me the courage needed to know that what ever
I am doing, whatever I do, wherever I go, and whatever happens, I have a newly
developed strength to get through it.
I
want to do things that I do not believe that I can do. I want to live life in a
fuller, deeper, and richer way. He is strong when we are weak. He gives us
everything we need even when we can't see it and we are scared and we feel
alone and we not sure what is ahead. I embrace this new perspective. This new
view on life- I am oh so thankful for it. Is there still pain and heartache and
deep wounds in cancer. YES, of course.
I
have many days where I struggle to find ways to nurture my children, and days
where I definitely want to undo what I have done, and definitely days where I
feel inadequate. I am sure that you have days where you struggle. Throughout
all of this, I have learned that you just don’t know as much as you think you
do. I constantly find myself always learning and attempting to correct myself
along the way. I have found that if you learn to adapt, things will eventually
work out. Trying to understand how or why this happened has been a challenge
that I still continue to face daily. I constantly worry about our future. The
future of my children, what life will look like 5 years from now and so on.
Every time that we drive to St. Louis for lab-work and appointments with
Daniel’s cancer doctor, I worry. To be honest, I am not sure that those
feelings will ever subside.
Today,
We have a new life, I have a new job, I have a new school curriculum, Avery
started first grade this year, and this year, is the first year that Mia has
attended day care by herself. My children are constantly adapting to new, new,
new. Sometimes, I feel that all of this combined has left little room for any
of my children to grow as they are constantly struggling to adapt. On the other
hand, I also find my self very proud of my children because they are doing so
well, and growing and developing appropriately.
I
can gladly say that I finally feel like I have arrived full circle, and I am
right where I need to be. And, I have no idea how I got here other than a
supportive community, a positive perspective and the many prayers that I said
and the prayers that have been sent up for me. I think that most people worry
about their future and their children’s future, so I believe that my thoughts
are pretty normal.
Today,
I choose to embrace the unknown and the lack of control in life. The fact that
things rarely turn out the way we want them too, IS OK. Like other cancer
survivors, I choose hope and courage and strength in whatever may come.
Today,
I want to challenge you to run towards your family members, or friends, or
someone that you have never met. Listen to their stories and look at their
pictures. And while you do, please pay close attention to your own body. Notice
how you feel. If you feel that familiar tug of compassion, let it be your
compass. Let it be the voice that says- TRY IT, GO FOR IT. Give your family
members, your friends, or those that you have never met, what they need, AND
THEN SEE IF THAT OFFERING RETURNS TO YOU WHAT YOU NEED. I promise you, it will
give you what you need. Results aren’t always immediate, and sometimes they
take time. Jump in, get involved. See, if just for today, offering a stranger
radical love provides you with the senses of peace, belonging, joy, and
empowerment that you may be searching for. I encourage you to let compassion be
your compass today. No matter what challenges you face, please, never dim your light,
or let it diminish the least little bit. Don’t ever think that your light is
not good enough, for it will shine brightly one day.
