Its
been a while, I know. I feel like I have been leading a secret life the past
year and a half for a few reasons.. Early on (first semester), some crazy stuff
went down with some of my classmates and social media, which pretty much
resulted in us not being able to say much about nursing school. Another reason,
is that I feared failure, and decided not to really speak much about school
itself. I guess that I am by far, more conservative than I thought and more
fearful than I chalk myself up to be. But, I can now say that I took my last final
and have moved on to my preceptorship. May 18th, I receive my
nursing pin.
I
have a huge sense of relief, and it feels good. The last two years of my life
have been extremely chaotic. I have to really think about what year Mia was
born, and what year Daniel was diagnosed… because it all seems like a huge
blur. And when I talk about my “plan b” becoming a reality, everyone wants to
know what my next plans are now. And, the truth is… I don’t know. I am trying
to decide on continuing my education or to “just be”. Do I get my BSN, and
continue on with my Masters, or do I use my original degree and go straight on
to my Master’s… I know that you can’t go wrong with more education, but part of
me wants to just take a break. And a job? I have no clue what area interests me
the most, because it all does! Do you see how confusing this is? So many
decisions to be made…
Trying
to go with my heart. Wondering if it’s right or wrong….
For
once, life seems simple and satisfying. I yearn for a heart that isn’t so numb,
a schedule that isn’t filled with busy-but-not-important things, and the common
sense to re-prioritize things that are not working for me anymore. And, there
is a whole lot of that in my life!
I’m
noticing the girls are growing up overnight at a faster pace than ever before …
and it feels awful.
Which
reminds me. We are coming up on a 2-year anniversary. Two years! Has it really
been that long? I think about how young the girls were. A few weeks ago,
Ashlynn was producing some mad artwork. She made a leukemia awareness poster,
orange ribbon and all. How did she even know that Daniel had leukemia? At
first, I was so sad for her. He is their Dad. I still have a feeling of
vulnerability everyday, you know. Is that normal? Not that he is going anywhere. But he could.
Does that make the least bit of sense? I still have a huge hole of lonliness
that I really hoped would be filled by now, and it isn’t. With all of that
being said, I truly know that our family is truly blessed. Its really just that
one moment when you look over your shoulder and you realize that your past is barely
visible and ask yourself if you are indeed, doing the right thing.
And I guess I don’t know that answer.
Please keep Daniel in your prayers next week- Wednesday
specifically. He is having a minor surgery (we hope). He has been cleared for
the procedure through Dr. DiPersio, but we are also aware that he truly isn’t the
best candidate for any surgical procedure. More on that… sometime next week.
XOXO Kri
