Last
year, there was a huge change in my dreams. Not
only the dreams that occur while I sleep, but the ones that are running
constantly through my mind. My non-stop mental picture of wants and hopes and
wishes and life’s what if’s.
While I
am still trying really hard to learn how to balance these new dreams, I have
fell short in other areas. And I think over the past year, I have done a great
job of pointing them all out. We all know I am not perfect, right?
ALL five
of us are learning this new lifestyle, and how to go out without a plan. How to
just breathe it in and be together.
The
biggest lesson learned thus far- Holy Goodness, being a parent is hard.
While we
are at it, let me admit a few more things: in the dark days we lived through
last year, I forgot Ashlynn’s lunch many days, and there have been many days
that I haven’t fixed Avery’s hair just right, and Mia, still takes a bottle at
night. Not quite sure what to do with that?
And,
there have been many times that the girls’ have requested their Grandparents
(and sometimes anyone else, for that matter) over me multiple times. Can we say
last year sucked, yes?
I fear
that I might have done some major damage over the past year of my children’s
lives. And for these reasons, I wonder how much therapy they are going to
require later in life. I guess that this is normal for learning how to be a
parent? I sure hope so.
This last
year has also taught me another valuable lesson- I don’t know how long I will
live here on this earth. I don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow. There
could be a natural disaster or a death or any other road block for that matter.
I have come to reality in knowing that I can never know what is coming next.
And, even f I have a “plan”, it never works out just right!
So, I
don’t want to waste one more second living in my fantasy of what if’s and what
should be’s. I simply want to explore what is. And this my friends, is
what is.
While we are
here and healthy and alive I will soak up everything family has to offer,
everything the sun, the clouds, and rainbows can teach me.
With this
reality, I am hoping that my old life and my new life will quit overlapping,
because it is emotionally and physically draining.
I am trying hard
to teach my children that we need to be happy and move on. But, we also don’t
need to forget where we came from.
I realize
that I’m not the cutest or the most domesticated woman, most patient or even
CLOSE perfect woman or mom, but I am one who simply loves and deeply cares for
her children and her husband. And, I am okay with that.
And it
makes me happy that I am capable of always being better. Of screwing up and
getting back up. Being able to have do-overs in life. And always getting
better. Knowing that my husband supports me 100%.
And so I
am trying to figure out how to turn the page corner and I have decided that if
I am going to start over, I was REALLY going to start over, beginning with May
16, 2012. First day of Summer break.
So, this
is what 2012 Summer break means to me:
Friday,
I’m headed to Orlando, with my best friend and her 2 boys, and my mother.
Exploring Sea World, and Universal Studios for the very first time with my own
children. Going to the beach- my happy place. Ten days frolicking in the hot,
summer, beaches in Florida. Trying to make my kids lives more normal.
After
that, I can push the kids on swings and play in water sprinklers until they
scream with delight. I can take them for walks down the dusty gravel road, and
eat ice cream cones until the sun goes down, and not discourage snuggling in
the mornings because I am short on time. Kiss dirty feet. I can get back to
making healthy dinners and read bed time stories. I can encourage manners and
affection. I can correct too much tv time, junk food, and socially unacceptable
behavior.
The possibilities
are endless. I can’t wait.
I can do
this- because I am their Mama. And, Daniel doesn’t want to be called Dada, but
you better believe that I don’t mind being called Mama. I am not sure what I
will do when the girls’ stop and I simply become Mom to them. Because, I know
that it won’t be very much longer!
Also
included in my plans this summer, I am going to love bigger. And apologize
more. And laugh harder. And talk to my friends more, instead of sending a text.
Sounds good, right?
Those are
my plans… Officially- Hello Summer!
XOXO
Kristin
