A Reflection...

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding on life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

-       Elizabeth Kubler- Ross

Boy, I am full of quotes these days. My nursing frineds might recognize the author. However, I think that this quote is absolutely beautiful! It is some good stuff!

Defeat, struggle, loss…. I think of April 2011, Daniel, Ashlynn, Avery, and Mia. I think of our entire family, and I think of friends. To me, this all relates to Cancer. I reflect back to May 1^st 2011- how scary the world seemed to me, the unknown world of cancer. It is a spot in my life that I truly never want to go back to- ever.

I continue to look at this quote… and the next thing that pops into my mind is the word struggle. I am very aware of the fact that we all struggle. We all have pain. Sometimes, we are able to experience pain with the people we love, and sometimes, well, we have to do it alone.

So, that got me to thinking.

Am I really that compassionate?

Am I gentle?

And most importantly, do I know how to love deeply?

Since I began nursing school, I have learned that in order to be a successful nurse, you must be able to do all of the above mentioned things.

Reflection… another task that we fellow nursing students do regularly. It is so good to be able to reflect from time to time. It is good for the soul- try it! To mentally allow yourself to “go there”.  To look into your heart. To question yourself.  How you care for others. How you treat others. Who you are. Where you are going. Are you meeting your goals. What has made you. Anything about your present self- YOU!

Maybe you are hurting. Maybe you aren’t.

It is so easy to get engulfed in your own life. We are all so “busy”. Busy this, busy that. But, not matter how busy we are- we have to take care of ourselves. We have to make time for those who are most important in our life.

I have learned throughout this whole process… that I wear many shoes in our family. And, although I do, I am only one person and one person can only do so much. I know that I have said this many times… I fail at many things, on a daily basis. I have learned that I can’t be all things to all people. You wouldn’t want me to be- I promise.

So here it is. I loathe cancer. I really dislike cancer. I wish that I did not have to “deal” with cancer. And, I used to say that I hate cancer. But, the more that I think about it, the more my opinions change. Cancer changed me. It changed my family. What has come of cancer?

Beautiful people. New friendships. Because of grief and much sorrow, changed people. I have changed.

I sometimes wish that things were “normal” for us, for Daniel, for me. They aren’t. I am not sure that they ever will be.

But who we are… who we are in our gut... Beautiful people do not just happen, my friends. I believe that the pain that we have experienced with cancer, has brought us more joy and beauty than anything in the world.

Moving on…

Daniel had a full day of appointments today.

He has been experiencing really dry eyes lately. He met with his eye doctor this morning. They inserted temporary tear duct plugs into his eyes, with the hope that will help. If it does, then he will get permanent one placed in a few weeks. This has become pretty bothersome to him.

He met with his Nurse Practitioner. She lowered his steroid down to 10 mg. daily. He will probably stay at this level for a pretty long time. He was at 80- post transplant. Everything looks really good. He had a bone marrow biopsy today. Results should be in by Monday. Prayers for a cancer-free report would be appreciated. All signs seem to point towards it being a good report. However, prayers are always helpful. If everything comes back good, he will be getting his central line removed. This is a HUGE step! It too… is a little annoying for him. It has to be covered every time he takes a shower, he can’t take baths… it just gets in the way. Another good thing… he will not have to have another bone marrow biopsy for 6 months, unless they seem to think that there may be something going on. We wont think about that- though.

May you all have a blessed week! XOXO Kristin

A Part of the Plan

“If you want something you’ve never had before, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done before.”

-       Diana Reed

I saw this quote, somewhere within the last few days, and I decided to hold on to it. Thinking that I may need it for something.

It was back to regular scheduled programming this week as I packed up my bags, headed out the door on Tuesday, and never looked back. In all honesty- that is how I truly feel. What a whirlwind of a week. I sometimes joke about wanting to run away with the circus. There were days this week, that it really seemed like a grand opportunity- and there was no joking involved, this time. I know that you have those days too.

With my first semester back at school, I fealt like I was at a really weird place in my life. I wasn’t sure if I was fixing to go off the deep- end, or if I was fixing to truly find joy, for one of the first times in my life.

Joy it was. It had to be.

I see so many things that I have never seen about myself. I have met a few friends- that I promise you- will be lifetime friends. These girls- I met when I was probably, at my worst. The best thing- they stuck by my side- offered me feedback that I truly needed, and have stuck by my side from the very first day. Looking back, I was stuck, afraid, and unsure. I am pretty sure that they are responsible for helping me survive- these girls have helped me learn to breathe again. On a side note, Janette, if you want to run away with the circus... I would definitely go with you!

Since school started, I have begun to learn to have a more fulfilling, meaningful life and marriage. It becomes very hard at times. But, this is what I needed.  I can tell you that I am truly present in the days of my life and my children’s lives. I guess, through all of this (Daniel’s diagnosis), I have learned things about myself- that have hurt me even more. I constantly, am working on those things. Some of those things- hurrying all of the time… from one thing to the next, being divided between work and home life. Changes…

I am becoming better at multi-tasking. - Not hurrying from one thing to the next- just multi-tasking. I have learned that there is something’s- that well; you just need to let go.

But the best lesson of all: I have learned that I have many flaws, and I am not afraid to tell you about them. Amongst those flaws, I know that no matter how bad I mess up- I always have a second chance.

So what is my point? Here it is.  Despite it all, life really is good, and God is good.  Although my life may seem that is constantly under construction for the time being, I am finally seeing the results of his craftsmanship, his work. And, while the final work may not be clear for anyone that passes by, we can see it, and that is all that matters. It is beautiful for us and the 5 members of our family.

What kind of life do you want? How are you going to get it?

Daniel update: Hopefully, the virus is finally exiting Daniel’s system. His symptoms are scarce at this point. Lab work this week revealed that his platelets are raising some, liver tests still on the decrease and his hemoglobin is improving. At his last doctor’s appointment, we learned that it is very normal for some of his levels to never be “normal” and it is perfectly fine. That eases things, a little. He will continue to have weekly lab appointments. The next doctor’s appointment is at the end of the month- it will also be bone marrow biopsy time. So, as you know… it becomes quite stressful. No real news… Daniel has begun to get out with his friends a bit- and that is wonderful. You can definitely tell a difference in his spirits and that makes me very happy.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend! XOXO Kristin

Reality

Typical questions that we ask on a daily basis is- “How are things?” I am pretty sure that somewhere in this blog- I have addressed the awkwardness of this question. As a reminder- I am pretty sure that my true answer that I usually, am very reluctant to give is “How do you really think that things are?” But, I never do. Instead, my old answer was simply- “busy”. And then I realized, that everyone is busy and that was a terrible way to answer the question. Now, I never use the word “busy” as my answer.

Another frequent question that I am asked is: “How do you do it all?” And my answer is- I don’t really do it all.  Truthfully. I don’t. It may seem like it- but I don’t. There are a whole lot of things that regretfully, I don’t do.

Sometimes, I feel like I often do what I would call “paint a prettier picture”, than how my life really is.  Typically, I am a very private person- finding it hard to truly open up to most people. However, from day one of this blog- I decided that I would lay it all out- to the very best of my ability. Telling you absolutely everything that was going on- be it good or bad. Perhaps, it would be an open book.

This blog for me has allowed me to talk about my life- a whole lot. Whether I talk about the 4 other folks that I share a house with.  I speak about my friends and how wonderful they are – because, they are very much worth bragging about. I talk about school- and the excitement and opportunities that it has brought to my life. I talk about my personal feelings. About my beliefs. And, most importantly, I talk about CANCER- and the huge changes that it has brought to our lives. Most importantly, I feel that I genuinely try to bring happiness, with a big ole, capitol H to my blog.

When I started this blog- my intentions were to keep everyone up to date with Daniel and his disease. Then, it turned into something that allowed me to cope- to heal.  This blog has helped me to realize the reasons to live, to do better, to be, and exactly what those reasons were. It has worked. I see things, and think things that I have never seen and thought before. All of this would not be possible if I did not have the strong following from my followers- you guys. The friendly little emails that I get, the little words of encouragement- they have helped tremendously. I save every single one of them- promise.  Which reminds me- I am very close to 50,000 hits! WOW!

My life has completely changed.

A few weeks ago, I went back and read every single blog entry from the beginning. For one, I am very glad that I decided to chronicle our journey- because there was so much that I actually had forgotten. But, the thing that caught my eye is that I make things seem like they are as perfect as they can be. This is where I realized, that I needed to straighten some things out.

First of all, my life is far from being perfect. I don’t do it all. Sure, I have been blessed in ways that many folks haven’t been. I have a pretty fantastic life. I have 3 very healthy children, I reside in a home, that my husband and I built a few years ago, and I am currently, pursuing another degree with the option to not be employed. Many people never get a chance to have any of the above-mentioned things. I simply, am very fortunate, and there is not a day goes by that I do not appreciate it.

I focus on the good, the bad. The happy the unhappy- because- all of those things are components of life itself. If I only focus often what is good- at this time, then I am really doing a disservice to myself. It very easy to “paint that picture”.  Choosing to “forget” the bad stuff.  I just want to show you a glimpse of my reality.

I don’t want to only focus on the good moments- but focus on the bad ones too.  Possibly thinking that I have no suffering. Thinking that there are not any moments where my children truly get on my nerves. Or maybe, thinking that I am not a complete jerk at times. I have bad days, and I have days that I call failures. Everyone does.

This is me: I have a fantastic life. Since Daniel was diagnosed, our marriage has suffered many tribulations- that I believe, will make our relationship stronger in the end. There are days, when I don’t get out of my yoga pants. Some days, I do not even have the energy to shower. I currently weigh less than I did pre-pregnancy, and desperately want a tummy tuck. I fail at things.  I have a whole lot of suffering. I take anxiety medicine- because, believe it or not- I have a whole lot of anxiety, in which I create myself. I think a whole lot- and most of the time- over analyze situations. I worry tremendously about my future and the future of my children. I wish that my house would stay clean, because I am a much better person when it is clean. I have a really hard time functioning in disorganization. I feel lonely a lot. I don’t have a whole lot of friends, locally. Which is very hard at times. This winter break- I have learned that I wish that I had paid attention in my previous studies at SEMO. Especially, government.  I voted for Obama and while some would cringe at the thought- I am sometimes, very glad I did so. The costs that Daniel has incurred would have succeeded the lifetime insured value had Obama not have passed the health insurance changes. I am forever grateful for that. Daniel has been given a chance to see his children possibly grow up. While, I just touched on a whole lot of negatives- I have far more positives. I promise.

I hope that you are not discouraged with me. I am desperately trying to heal- and it is a process, I know.

So, I hope that you continue to follow our journey. And if you struggle like me, I hope that you realize, that you are not alone. You are never alone.

As most of yall know, Daniel was hospitalized last week for a few days. This time, it was more of a precautionary thing. Daniel had a doctor’s appointment last Wednesday. He was still dealing with what they thought was the BK Virus. His nurse practitioner thought that it would be in his best interest to be evaluated and possibly undergo bladder irrigation. So, off to the cancer center he went. All tests pretty much indicated that there was some blood in his bladder, but since Daniel was able to pass the clots on his own, there was no need to catheterize him and perform the bladder irrigation. So, he was sent home on Friday afternoon. He has a follow-up appointment tomorrow. Things are better for him. He is doing so much better. 

For now, I am closing- with one last thought. My thoughts into 2012 are to JUST BE.

XOXO Kristin