Chapter 2

I’m so beyond ready for summer break. The past two weeks have definitely proved it. I have realized that I'm quickly approaching the "burn-out" feeling. With that being said- here is my latest countdown: 1 more class, I more test, 1 final, 2 more clinical days and a few other not-so- worry some days and I'm halfway through- given that I pass!

I've been having a lot of thoughts about how my life needs tweaking, in a huge way. Reassessing to an extent. Evaluating what is most important to me. I've lost sight on these things over the last few months. More evaluation on the things that make me happy.

What really makes people happy?

Reassessing how I feel; what makes me truly happy; how I react to situations; how I don't react to some situations... Just life in general.

Last year, after realizing that it was up to me to make it happen for my family- and myself I became a fighter. I was not going to let cancer take over my life, instead I decided to take charge. I learned that saying what you feel and holding true to your beliefs, sometimes disappoint people, I've said many things out loud, when keeping them inside, may have been the better option.  Lately, I have held my breath when I probably shouldn't have.I feel inadequate. Not being there, when I should have been.

Not being able to say no, and clearly... My body is telling me that it's time to reassess.

This time last year, I promised myself that I would enjoy life more, stress a little less, relax a little bit. I've been going non-stop since the middle of August, being very productive, of course. I closed my eyes this morning and thought to myself, if I could just open them and have everything fall into place- that would be beautiful!

But, what I realized, is that I'm falling short, very short.

I haven't went full-blown grocery shopping since Christmas break. I'm pretty sure it's the end of April, right? I haven't cooked a home cooked meal in at least 3 weeks. I questioned myself tonight- when did I become that mom? So while I'm falling short with my husband, and children, my friendships lack too.

My friends, the ones who have waited for me to come around. The new ones (they are pretty special too), but they never knew the "Kristin" that totally checked out. I don't have time for them either. I am not sure if its lack of organization, or what it is. Maybe, just lack of being able to give anymore of myself.

So, in 3 weeks... I'm taking a step back. Fine tuning myself.

Not living up to expectations- I'm not good with it. It just sucks when you know you are capable of more. More tweaking.

I'm in serious need of satisfaction and fulfillment. I know it's vague- but, I'm trying not to disappoint myself.

I guess that coming up on our one year anniversary of cancer, hasn’t helped the situation. Some days I think I'm moving forward, and some days I feel like I'm backtracking.  For the most, I think I have come to place where my moments of sadness can exist right alongside my joy, thankfulness, and need to celebrate. I know deep down, that our story is one of survival and of life...a deeper and fuller life. Some days are still harder than others. Today is one of them.

I have had the hardest time writing this because I am still not sure how I feel. I am thankful that this week has not been full of tears, yet. So far it has been much easier than I had anticipated . I am still at a point where I have no explanations for my feelings.

I was at a doctors appointment last week and was discussing this past year in review. And the nurse practitioner asked me if I needed "something" to help me through all of this. Do I really look that pitiful? I sure hope not. Most people have no clue about the daily struggles that I have. I strongly feel that I handle them well, but then again, I'm not on the outside looking in.

So, today, I can not seem to find the right words. I just feel like I have not arrived anywhere really. Maybe that is normal, maybe it isn't. My glass half-full attitude tells me that If I ever arrived ,I would stop growing and changing and evolving into the woman I am still becoming. The aim is not arrival. but the in between. which can be fuzzy and unclear and I am not the best in this place. But, I'm positive, it's the most important. I'm trying to adjust to the new challenges.

I apologize for my ramblings. I know that I really do have so much to be thankful for! Reliving one year ago is good for me, even the pain and the brokenness, because without those things, we wouldn't have truly recognized the significance of the joy that was also experienced.  XOXO Kristin