A Reflection...

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding on life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

-       Elizabeth Kubler- Ross

Boy, I am full of quotes these days. My nursing frineds might recognize the author. However, I think that this quote is absolutely beautiful! It is some good stuff!

Defeat, struggle, loss…. I think of April 2011, Daniel, Ashlynn, Avery, and Mia. I think of our entire family, and I think of friends. To me, this all relates to Cancer. I reflect back to May 1^st 2011- how scary the world seemed to me, the unknown world of cancer. It is a spot in my life that I truly never want to go back to- ever.

I continue to look at this quote… and the next thing that pops into my mind is the word struggle. I am very aware of the fact that we all struggle. We all have pain. Sometimes, we are able to experience pain with the people we love, and sometimes, well, we have to do it alone.

So, that got me to thinking.

Am I really that compassionate?

Am I gentle?

And most importantly, do I know how to love deeply?

Since I began nursing school, I have learned that in order to be a successful nurse, you must be able to do all of the above mentioned things.

Reflection… another task that we fellow nursing students do regularly. It is so good to be able to reflect from time to time. It is good for the soul- try it! To mentally allow yourself to “go there”.  To look into your heart. To question yourself.  How you care for others. How you treat others. Who you are. Where you are going. Are you meeting your goals. What has made you. Anything about your present self- YOU!

Maybe you are hurting. Maybe you aren’t.

It is so easy to get engulfed in your own life. We are all so “busy”. Busy this, busy that. But, not matter how busy we are- we have to take care of ourselves. We have to make time for those who are most important in our life.

I have learned throughout this whole process… that I wear many shoes in our family. And, although I do, I am only one person and one person can only do so much. I know that I have said this many times… I fail at many things, on a daily basis. I have learned that I can’t be all things to all people. You wouldn’t want me to be- I promise.

So here it is. I loathe cancer. I really dislike cancer. I wish that I did not have to “deal” with cancer. And, I used to say that I hate cancer. But, the more that I think about it, the more my opinions change. Cancer changed me. It changed my family. What has come of cancer?

Beautiful people. New friendships. Because of grief and much sorrow, changed people. I have changed.

I sometimes wish that things were “normal” for us, for Daniel, for me. They aren’t. I am not sure that they ever will be.

But who we are… who we are in our gut... Beautiful people do not just happen, my friends. I believe that the pain that we have experienced with cancer, has brought us more joy and beauty than anything in the world.

Moving on…

Daniel had a full day of appointments today.

He has been experiencing really dry eyes lately. He met with his eye doctor this morning. They inserted temporary tear duct plugs into his eyes, with the hope that will help. If it does, then he will get permanent one placed in a few weeks. This has become pretty bothersome to him.

He met with his Nurse Practitioner. She lowered his steroid down to 10 mg. daily. He will probably stay at this level for a pretty long time. He was at 80- post transplant. Everything looks really good. He had a bone marrow biopsy today. Results should be in by Monday. Prayers for a cancer-free report would be appreciated. All signs seem to point towards it being a good report. However, prayers are always helpful. If everything comes back good, he will be getting his central line removed. This is a HUGE step! It too… is a little annoying for him. It has to be covered every time he takes a shower, he can’t take baths… it just gets in the way. Another good thing… he will not have to have another bone marrow biopsy for 6 months, unless they seem to think that there may be something going on. We wont think about that- though.

May you all have a blessed week! XOXO Kristin