Reality

Typical questions that we ask on a daily basis is- “How are things?” I am pretty sure that somewhere in this blog- I have addressed the awkwardness of this question. As a reminder- I am pretty sure that my true answer that I usually, am very reluctant to give is “How do you really think that things are?” But, I never do. Instead, my old answer was simply- “busy”. And then I realized, that everyone is busy and that was a terrible way to answer the question. Now, I never use the word “busy” as my answer.

Another frequent question that I am asked is: “How do you do it all?” And my answer is- I don’t really do it all.  Truthfully. I don’t. It may seem like it- but I don’t. There are a whole lot of things that regretfully, I don’t do.

Sometimes, I feel like I often do what I would call “paint a prettier picture”, than how my life really is.  Typically, I am a very private person- finding it hard to truly open up to most people. However, from day one of this blog- I decided that I would lay it all out- to the very best of my ability. Telling you absolutely everything that was going on- be it good or bad. Perhaps, it would be an open book.

This blog for me has allowed me to talk about my life- a whole lot. Whether I talk about the 4 other folks that I share a house with.  I speak about my friends and how wonderful they are – because, they are very much worth bragging about. I talk about school- and the excitement and opportunities that it has brought to my life. I talk about my personal feelings. About my beliefs. And, most importantly, I talk about CANCER- and the huge changes that it has brought to our lives. Most importantly, I feel that I genuinely try to bring happiness, with a big ole, capitol H to my blog.

When I started this blog- my intentions were to keep everyone up to date with Daniel and his disease. Then, it turned into something that allowed me to cope- to heal.  This blog has helped me to realize the reasons to live, to do better, to be, and exactly what those reasons were. It has worked. I see things, and think things that I have never seen and thought before. All of this would not be possible if I did not have the strong following from my followers- you guys. The friendly little emails that I get, the little words of encouragement- they have helped tremendously. I save every single one of them- promise.  Which reminds me- I am very close to 50,000 hits! WOW!

My life has completely changed.

A few weeks ago, I went back and read every single blog entry from the beginning. For one, I am very glad that I decided to chronicle our journey- because there was so much that I actually had forgotten. But, the thing that caught my eye is that I make things seem like they are as perfect as they can be. This is where I realized, that I needed to straighten some things out.

First of all, my life is far from being perfect. I don’t do it all. Sure, I have been blessed in ways that many folks haven’t been. I have a pretty fantastic life. I have 3 very healthy children, I reside in a home, that my husband and I built a few years ago, and I am currently, pursuing another degree with the option to not be employed. Many people never get a chance to have any of the above-mentioned things. I simply, am very fortunate, and there is not a day goes by that I do not appreciate it.

I focus on the good, the bad. The happy the unhappy- because- all of those things are components of life itself. If I only focus often what is good- at this time, then I am really doing a disservice to myself. It very easy to “paint that picture”.  Choosing to “forget” the bad stuff.  I just want to show you a glimpse of my reality.

I don’t want to only focus on the good moments- but focus on the bad ones too.  Possibly thinking that I have no suffering. Thinking that there are not any moments where my children truly get on my nerves. Or maybe, thinking that I am not a complete jerk at times. I have bad days, and I have days that I call failures. Everyone does.

This is me: I have a fantastic life. Since Daniel was diagnosed, our marriage has suffered many tribulations- that I believe, will make our relationship stronger in the end. There are days, when I don’t get out of my yoga pants. Some days, I do not even have the energy to shower. I currently weigh less than I did pre-pregnancy, and desperately want a tummy tuck. I fail at things.  I have a whole lot of suffering. I take anxiety medicine- because, believe it or not- I have a whole lot of anxiety, in which I create myself. I think a whole lot- and most of the time- over analyze situations. I worry tremendously about my future and the future of my children. I wish that my house would stay clean, because I am a much better person when it is clean. I have a really hard time functioning in disorganization. I feel lonely a lot. I don’t have a whole lot of friends, locally. Which is very hard at times. This winter break- I have learned that I wish that I had paid attention in my previous studies at SEMO. Especially, government.  I voted for Obama and while some would cringe at the thought- I am sometimes, very glad I did so. The costs that Daniel has incurred would have succeeded the lifetime insured value had Obama not have passed the health insurance changes. I am forever grateful for that. Daniel has been given a chance to see his children possibly grow up. While, I just touched on a whole lot of negatives- I have far more positives. I promise.

I hope that you are not discouraged with me. I am desperately trying to heal- and it is a process, I know.

So, I hope that you continue to follow our journey. And if you struggle like me, I hope that you realize, that you are not alone. You are never alone.

As most of yall know, Daniel was hospitalized last week for a few days. This time, it was more of a precautionary thing. Daniel had a doctor’s appointment last Wednesday. He was still dealing with what they thought was the BK Virus. His nurse practitioner thought that it would be in his best interest to be evaluated and possibly undergo bladder irrigation. So, off to the cancer center he went. All tests pretty much indicated that there was some blood in his bladder, but since Daniel was able to pass the clots on his own, there was no need to catheterize him and perform the bladder irrigation. So, he was sent home on Friday afternoon. He has a follow-up appointment tomorrow. Things are better for him. He is doing so much better. 

For now, I am closing- with one last thought. My thoughts into 2012 are to JUST BE.

XOXO Kristin