Today I struggle with many things. I miss my children terribly, I miss my home, my bed (this cot just isn't the same), and I miss my husband. Even though I am here with him- I miss the real Daniel. The one that talks to me all evening, the one that goes places with me and the one that hugs me. Real soon, I hope to have all of those things back the way that they should be. When I was home over the weekend, a had my children constantly asking me to do things with them. While I tried my best to make it all happen, there were several times that I had to answer with "maybe next time", and "I don't know if we can do that", mostly because I didn't have the energy to do it or figure it out. They would get irritated with those answers, and I don't blame them. Looking back, it makes me angry that I didn't do those things. The normal Kristin is either black or white, hot or cold, and not grey or warm. Right now, I think that I am grey and warm. My life is not scheduled like it normally is. I am usually a pretty organized person, and right now, I am not organized. I am very aware that my life will be like this for a while, and it scares me. I am going to have to get used to it. I know that I should not be griping, because in the end, I can go home, see my children, sleep in my bed, and leave room 6937, at any time. Daniel, he has to stay in room 6937 for a little while longer. There is absolutley no griping coming from him.
I haven't seen much of Daniel awake today. He has pretty well slept the day away. This morning, he woke up in good spirits, and I was sure that we were going to have a day as good as yesterday, if not better. I was so sure of it! Boy, was I wrong. Around 9 a.m., he started to complain of a leg cramp. This leg cramp bothered him until about 2:00 p.m. That was when he finally asked for some pain medication. He really should have asked for it much sooner- but, he is pretty tough. Bring on the morphine and muscle relaxers! The doctor came in and he is pretty sure that it is a irritated nerve- most likely from the chemo. He is resting peacefully now. I know that he was in great pain! It saddens me to see him like that! There was absolutley nothing that I could do to make it better. I learned that I was better off to sit in my corner of the room, and not speak to him- just think about him! I love that boy!
Speaking of love, I still can not wrap my thoughts up about Friday night. Thank you to everyone that came out of the woodwork to support my husband and family. We will never forget that moment. My chest tightens each time that I think about how fortunate that we are to have all of you great folks that we call FRIENDS. We have so many old friends, new friends, and virtual friends, and each and everyone of you guys, are just as special and important to us! We still continue to recieve emails and cards daily (many), and each one offers hope and wisdom, that tomorrow, will be a better day. And if not tomorrow, the next day. Thank you. I can't say it enough! Thank you for the kind words, wisdom, prayers, inspiration, gentle nudges, when I see you, and most of all, thank you for your friendship. Thank you for being our friends- wether it be virtual, in spirit, or in person! XOXO
Kristen,,,I read your blog last night,,as usual,,awaiting anxiously to read it. I can't imagine the leg cramps! I remember when I was in high school,,,after a basketball game and cheerleading,,I would get leg cramps through the night and pain that went with it was almost unbearable to stand. I hope today was a better day for Daniel. Yesterday I went to my mom's house to see how she was doing. She's 88 now and has such a hard time remembering anything past 10 minutes ago. She is so independent though that she does NOT want me doing anything for her. She can really throw a fit when she wants to. I go every single day to make sure everything is good. Usually it's not. I'm going to be making some big decisions soon about what to do. I have no brothers or sisters to help in those decisions. That's when she will turn against me totally and I dread it. Today Charles and I ordered a fireplace for out house. I've always wanted one so I've been subbing a lot to finally get one. I'll sub tomorrow and Thurs then that's it for this year. You are so right about last Friday night. It was one of the greatest outpouring of love I've ever seen. It was so good to see everybody. Risco is one of the greatest places to live and especially to raise kids. I will always love it. Better close for now. Tell Daniel that we love him. Charles mentioned coming up there for a SHORT visit, but, I want to make sure it's ok before we come. Good night,,,you and Daniel and Erin are in my prayers each and every single night. Love you!
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