Friday, May 6, 2011
Acceptance
I am tired. I can't sleep. My stomach hurts, so I find it impossible to eat. I escape to cry. I cry and cry. Why is this happening to me? Why is this happening to Daniel? Why is this happening to our family? I will never know the answers. I am trying very hard to accept this. Today i meet with social workers to discuss routes to deliver the news to those 2 precious girls. I say 2, because Mia wouldn't understand. I have no idea how I am going to tell Ashlynn and Avery that their daddy is Very sick. Will they understand? How many questions are they going to ask? How am i going to stay strong during the conversation? Daniel has no idea that this is going to occur. I will leave the room and have the meeting. I sit here staring at him. He is so sick today. Mostly nauseous. The fever, oh the fever! Daniel has a mild lung infection. So, they have put him on antibiotics. He is sleeping a lot today. We are supposed to walk 3 miles a day, in order to keep him in good health. He can't even get out of bed. I am so lifeless. I lack motivation. Daniel has a good medical team, and nurses. We have been told that his doctor is the leukemia wizard- one of the best in the nation! Oh yeah, Barnes Jewish Hospital is the best leukemia hospital in the nation! How's that? We are so glad to be here, but can't wait to get through this. Daniel keeps telling me that everything is going to be just fine. How can i be the best mom that I can be in his moment? The truth is, I can't. I don't have it together, I am a total mess! Have a blessed day my friends!
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Kristin,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but I saw a prayer event for your family on Facebook and followed the link to your blog. My prayers and thoughts are with your family. I'm working on my PhD in cell and developmental biology, performing biomedical research. I am currently researching the mechanism of action for a potential chemotherapy to treat drug-resistent leukemias and other cancers. When I have a difficult day, week, or month and wonder if I've gone into the right career, reading stories like yours inspires me to keep going and never give up on my research. Biomedical researchers are a group of people who would love nothing more than to work themselves out of a job. Until then, I will keep pressing forward, hoping to make at least some difference in the lives of others. I pray your family has the courage and strength to continue pressing on and fighting this battle until you come out on the other side, healthy.
--Twila Mason
Kristin,I have been reading your blog. Amazed by your strength in all of this. Please know we are all praying for you here at MHC. So so sorry for all you and Daniel are going through right now. (From Julie Douglas)
ReplyDeleteWe have never met, but a friend linked me to your blog. I have been praying for you ever since.
ReplyDeleteI just went through a long extended illness with my mom, and I was responsible for her care and medical decisions. The best advice I received was this: just pray and do the next thing. Don't think ahead, don't play out scenarios in your mind, just do the next thing. God will give you strength one task at a time. If I looked too far ahead, my knees would buckle and I didn't have the strength to handle it. But you can do it - one thing at a time. God will make it possible.
Thank you so much for the kind words. We are so lucky to have so many friends, old and new.
ReplyDeleteKristin, We really don't know each other very well but our families do. My brother and I went to school with Erin and Daniel. I saw Toni at my mom's funeral and she didn't mention that Daniel was sick but it probably wasn't the right time for either of us to discuss the matter. I haven't been on facebook in about a month and was up responding to my messages and saw your link. I'm in total shock. I am so sorry that you and your family are going thru this difficult time. You have to stay strong for Daniel and those precious babies! Chemo is going to be rough. I went to all but a few of my mom's chemo treatments and I am so glad that I did. Living 8 hours away didn't matter. I would've and did everything I could for my mom and don't regret any of it. I wish I could've had more time with her. I have faith that Daniel will pull thru this ! You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. This is really nice of you to set up a website. I wish I would've thought to do this for my mom. Take Care! Tara Wagner Gravseth
ReplyDeleteKristen,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Janie McLeod and Daniel's mother is a friend of mine. I taught school at Risco for several years and know Erin and Daniel too.
At this particular time I think all the feelings you described you are feeling are normal. Your whole world was turned upside down in the matter of a day. This is the time you should rely on your friends and family for their strength. Yours is probably gone right now. You are so worried about Daniel, and rightfully so, and at the same time you are worried about how to tell your children about their daddy being sick. I think you were very smart to consult a social worker who has experience with this situation and can help you find the words you need to explain this to them with the least amount of trauma possible. They will react to what you tell them by the way you tell them. Even though you don't think you have it in you right now, you will find the right words and tell them in a manner that will not scare them because that's what mothers do.
You and Daniel are in my prayers daily.I know things look bleak now, but he will improve and get his strength back. In the meantime, if you need to cry, find a place to go and cry. Maybe if you can't eat anything you could drink a milkshake. Just anything to keep you going. You have to get through this the best way you can and that means what you can or can't handle. Only you know how that is. You will do what's right for Daniel and your girls. I know this sounds so cliche, but try to take it one day or one hour at a time. Sending strength and love to all of you.
Janie McLeod