I do a whole lot of reflecting- on life itself while I am driving. On my drive home today, I thought back to last year, and where I was at. Planning my New York trip… worrying about whether or not my job was in the Missouri budget…Looking back- to the times that life wasn’t really that hard. Or, so it seemed at the time.
And then, I look back to the real hard parts… even though it is painful at times. I like remembering where my heart was and of course, where it is now. It provides so much insight and encouragement. I repeatedly say this- Cancer has taught me so much about myself. I think about some of the arguments that Daniel and I would get into and how I might say things that I would never dream of saying to anyone else. Hurtful things. Why is it that we often hurt the ones that we love the most? I have realized that the subtle tone or the sharp and passive words that I have used in the past were incredibly hurtful. I would have never spoken to Daniel like that when we first dated. So, why did I do it then, after 5 years of marriage? So after 5 years, 3 children later, did I get too comfortable? Was it too easy? I’m not sure.
I guess that it is a comfort thing. You tend to get too comfortable. I learned through the whole cancer process that we often lose sight of what we are about. In my case it was how to love one another. I am talking about on a daily basis. We came really close to losing each other… as hard as it is to admit. Because of cancer… I have learned that I will not let myself get that comfortable again. EVER. I will only have one husband. This is it. My one and only chance to truly love. When I say truly love- I mean deep, hard and unselfishly love. Why would I waste that chance?
I have never wanted pity or to feel sorry for myself or say..."look at me, my husband had cancer." I hope that has been clear through our story. But, I know one thing…God is good. He did not promise me a husband or Ashlynn, Avery and Mia, or lots of money (which I don’t have), or a whole lot of nice stuff, or that I would always be healthy and not experience pain. Instead, He said He would love me and never leave me. Once I realized that, things seemed to look up. I may not think that and feel that all the time but I know in my heart that it’s true. He allowed cancer to Daniel, at 29 years old, married, and with three very young children. In the midst of cancer He carried us through with a perfect genetically matched donor, family, friends, strangers, meals, babysitters, money, a cleaning lady, a house, cards, gift baskets that put smiles on our faces, emails, texts, and a whole bunch of people praying. He never left us. Not even for a second. He trusted Daniel with cancer. He took care of us! I often think that our story is not that unique or special. People get cancer all of the time. People live and some people die. I often find myself feeling guilty that our story of cancer was maybe not as tough as other people's.
While Daniel was in the hospital, I met the mother of a sweet young girl who had a stem-cell transplant about the same time as Daniel was diagnosed. Her mother and I shared our stories, and talked about our fears. Since her diagnosis, her cancer has come back twice and she has really never been out of the hospital. Currently, she is fighting a horrible infection and is becoming increasingly frustrated in her fight with this horrible disease. I constantly think about her and the other people like Daniel. How Daniel is so incredibly healthy compared to most people like him.
Daniel thinks that I am crazy for feeling a bit guilty.
The moral of this blog is that we have changed. Forever we are changed. I would not trade that for the world. While my heart seems new, I am still INCREDIBLY broken. Daniel isn’t cured… in fact he is far from it. But, cancer did something big to me, and I am very proud of that.
I know that it has been entirely too long since my last blog, and excuses are not something that I tend to make. I promised myself that when I first began blogging, that I would only do it if I “felt” it. My blogs need to have meaning to them. I also contribute nursing school to the lack of blogs. It was as if I lost my blog edge these last few weeks. The good news is that there might be some light at the end of that tunnel- I only have two more weeks left of one of my classes. I am hoping that I will be able to catch a breath of fresh air at that point.
News of Daniel: Since I last wrote, Daniel had an excellent report from his bone marrow biopsy. The next scheduled biopsy will take place in August. The dryness of his eyes has made him extremely miserable. He had tear duct plugs placed in his eyes today- we are hoping for some relief from those. He also has GVHD again. Do you remember that horrid rash that he had all over his back and torso? Yeah, it has made a comeback. Not horrible yet. As with before, GVHD is not always a bad thing, necessarily. GVHD in small forms is a good thing. It means that the transplant is working. They increased the steroid dosage for a week- with hopes that it will be controlled. Also, his central line was removed today- that is a HUGE thing! He is slowly, becoming more “normal” It is exciting folks!
Please continue to keep Daniel in your prayers… he still has an incredible journey before him. XOXO Kristin
